When someone we love disappears, the silence that follows is deafening. We would like to talk to him one last time. Tell him what we didn't have time to say. Ask him the unanswered questions. And even if reason tells us that it is impossible, thegrief psychologistsaffirm the opposite: writing to a deceased loved one is not only possible, but profoundly therapeutic.
What the science says
The theory of “continuous links”
For a long time, Western psychology considered that “successful” grieving consisted ofcut tieswith the deceased to “move on”. This vision, inherited from Freud, was questioned in the 1990s by researchersDennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman.
Their theory of“continuing bonds”(continued links) demonstrates that maintaining a symbolic relationship with the deceased — through writing, inner conversation or ritual — is not a sign of pathology. It's ahealthy coping mechanismwhich allows you to integrate the loss into your life without denying it.
The proven benefits of expressive writing
The psychologistJames Pennebakerfrom the University of Texas has conducted dozens of studies on expressive writing. His conclusions are clear:
- People who write about their most painful emotions show asignificant improvement in their immune system
- They consultless frequently a doctorin the following months
- They report adecreased anxiety and depression
- They develop abetter understandingof their own emotional experience
Writing doesn't cure pain. She gives him aform. And pain that has a form is pain that we can begin to tame.
How to write to a deceased loved one
Step 1: Don't censor yourself
This is not a dissertation. This is not a funeral speech. It's an intimate conversation between you and the missing person. Write as you would speak to his face:
“Dad, it’s me. It's been six months since you left and I can't get used to it. I'm a little angry with you for leaving so quickly. I blame you for not seeing Lucas take his first steps. But above all, I miss you so much that I hurt everywhere. »
Step 2: Speak directly to the person
Use “you” or “you”, depending on your relationship. Don't talk about the person in the third person. Speak-him. It is this direct address that releases the deepest emotions.
Step 3: Include what you never said
It's time to empty the bag. Theunspoken wordsare the heaviest to carry. Tell him:
- What you admire about him/her
- What hurt you and which you never dared to express
- The moments of joy you will always cherish
- Questions you would have liked to ask
It is the antidote toend of life regrets: not his, but yours.
Step 4: Tell him about your current life
Give him news. Tell him what has happened since he left. Births, diplomas, small joys and great sadness. Make him participate, symbolically, in the life he is missing.
Step 5: Finish When You Feel
There is no right length. Some letters are three lines long. Others are ten pages long. The important thing is not the quantity of words, but thequality of emotionreleased.
What to do with this letter?
Option 1: Keep it for yourself
This is the most common choice. The letter remains in a drawer, sometimes reread, like aemotional talisman.
Option 2: Ritually burn it
Some people find symbolic relief by burning the letter, as if to “send” the words to the deceased. This liberation ritual is practiced in manyfuneral traditions around the world.
Option 3: Preserve it in a commemorative space
Drop this letter in aonline memorial spacededicated to the deceased. It will join the photos, testimonies and memories already collected. Other family members can also leave their own letters there. Space becomes aplace of collective contemplationenriched by each.
Option 4: Integrate it into a time capsule
If the letter is intended to be reread in 5, 10 or 20 years, you can file it in atime capsule. You will receive it at your chosen time, as a reminder of the intensity of your emotions and how far you have come since.
Writing is not forgetting
There is a stubborn misconception: if I manage to write about my pain, it is because I am forgetting. This is false.Writing is the opposite of forgetting.It's etching in time what you feel, so that neither the person nor your love for them never disappears.
Grief is not a problem to be solved. It's a way to go. And writing is one of themost faithful traveling companionsthat you can find.
Start with a single sentence
If the thought of writing an entire letter paralyzes you, start with just one sentence. Just one. The one that has been burning your lips for months:
- " I miss you. »
- “I'm angry with you. »
- “Thank you for everything. »
- “I regret not having told you…”
This sentence is the first stone. The rest will come naturally.
